What’s the Deal with Toxic Femininity?

Reclamation Way Newsletter - Issue 3 | June 22, 2022

What’s the Deal with Toxic Femininity?

The question of gender toxicity has been front and center. We've again been in the throes of horrific mass shootings at the hands of a young men. This time leaving us not so perplexed at the means or conditions that compel young men to kill, but exasperated and distrustful of supposed solutions.

Then after stumbling upon an article discussing “toxic femininity” – which electrified my sparks of curiosity but ultimately evoked dissatisfaction – I was struck with inspiration to write my own contribution on the topic. Come explore with me.

Defining toxic masculinity

A 2005 study defined toxic masculinity as “the constellation of socially regressive male traits that serve to foster domination, the devaluation of women, homophobia, and wanton violence.” While there are debates about the causes and ways to address it, there seems to be growing consensus that there is, indeed, a problem.

Of the 130 mass shootings documented since 1982, all but 3 were committed by males. Men own guns at triple the rate of women in the U.S., at 62 percent compared to 22 percent—and also commit suicide at nearly triple the rate of women. Eighty-nine percent of murder-suicides are committed by men. And according to the Bureau of Justice Statistics, 86 percent of the perpetrators of domestic violence documented in court cases are men. These figures are staggering.

While much of this phenomenon remains eluding, what we have learned from the ecological world view is that phenomena cannot exist in isolation. So, acknowledging relationality, what's the deal with toxic femininity?

The misnomer of toxic femininity

Media pundits assume that every weight has an equal counter balance, and therein lies 'toxic femininity.' If toxic masculinity pushes males into the polar end of the gender binary, then toxic femininity must do the same, they say – compelling females into being toxically cooperative, passive, sexually submissive, and manipulative. The internet has delighted in accusing celebrities from Amber Heard to Chrissy Teigen of being perpetrators.

The last time I checked, though, exhibition of traditionally female qualities isn't associated with an increased death rate. The term toxic implies deadly, lethal, and poisonous, which is a far cry from the result of extreme traditionally female behaviors. That makes the concept of toxic femininity a false equivalent.

My view is this: As dominating forces have been globally trending toward absolutism, across environmental, political, and economic systems, we are seeing the same increasing trajectory toward patriarchally-imposed gendering. Forces are pushing society into an imbalanced tilt – or rather, deep plunge - of stereotypically masculinized values, behaviors, and world views.

It's as if capitalist patriarchy has cloaked the world in a veil of gendered domination that has obscured reality and colored our perceptions. Let's take a closer look at how this veil colors femininity.

Hazardous feminine personas

To be clear, I don't believe our known human existence has ever seen the likes of a toxic femininity. More accurate, however, is the term hazardous, which implies risk, threat, and danger. I propose that there are certain feminine personas that dangerously perpetuate capitalist patriarchy's domination by imposing a strict gender binary and subjugated femaleness:

The good girl. Growing up in suburban Utah with a highly saturated Mormon culture, I am especially familiar with this persona. Girls are expected to be pretty, obedient, and quiet. The good girl carefully follows rules, is fully accommodating, and bends over backwards to ensure everyone is pleased. She is attractive, agreeable, and laughs off personal discomforts to stay in the lane she's been given. Although associated with youth, the good girl will submit to authority her entire life to reap external approval of others, particularly patriarchal figures.

The sex-kitten. This persona tells women that their power comes from their physical appearance, sexual attractiveness, and ability to create male desire. Sex-kitten power typically peaks around the same time as female fertility, roughly age 22. The sex-kitten will spend the rest of her life trying to recapture this power, making this persona the driving force behind the youthfulness goods & services mega-market. This persona masquerades as female empowerment, but is ultimately in service of patriarchal power.

The sacrificial mother. The sacrificial mother says that all acceptable women between ages 20-40 are mothers; and those mothers should be dedicated entirely to their families. Mothers should sacrifice themselves fully to benefit their children's welfare. Prioritizing herself makes her a 'bad mother,' which is one of the most heinous atrocities a female can commit. This persona is perpetuated from thousands of years of religious patriarchal conditioning and is deeply embedded in our psyches.

The female patriarch. This persona is on the rise today and is the most common route to patriarchal respect. The female patriarch plays an exquisite business game, acquiring the virtues of status, wealth & power-over. She is cutthroat in her career and usually one of the few women at the top of the hierarchy. The female patriarch must become masculinized and is rewarded for detaching from her feminine. As the feminist movement has focused on gender parity to advance equality, it has involved a proliferation of the female patriarch persona.

Personally, I have tried to embody each of these personas at different times of my life as a means of claiming my personal power, only to deepen my awareness and have to navigate back out of them. Many women continue to be woefully and unconsciously lost in them.

Liberation from the dominating gender construct

While women gain traditional power by remaining in these roles, they can never truly be free or self-actualized behind the veil of a patriarchally-created persona. These personas were designed by the capitalist patriarchy not just as a means of maintaining power over femaleness, but to preserve strict hierarchy throughout gender.

So, how do we unwind from this dominating gender construct? I don't know yet.

What I offer is a perspective to view gender afflictions holistically and a reminder that even invisible and seemingly disparate phenomena are deeply interconnected. As the weight of patriarchal control pulls gender further toward the traditionally masculine, perhaps claiming awareness of our own participation in the construct will ease its gravitational force.

Like sunlight is the best disinfectant of pernicious agents, perhaps simple awareness is the best disrupter of gendered domination. As I learn more, I remain confident that our expanding feminine consciousness will help heal corrosive patriarchal damage, individually and collectively.

The remaining question is whether that will be enough to interrupt the increasing velocity of toxic, and lethal, masculinizing.